Few things have limped towards their death in a more painstaking fashion than The Office. NBC’s once-great show has been in hospice for over a year now. It’s difficult to see something you once cared for so deeply struggle on life support. We can take solace in knowing that the show lived an abundant life and brought us so many fond memories, but The Office has reached such a state of vegetation that the plug undoubtedly needs to be pulled. It’s hard to narrow down the catalysts of the show’s demise to six. Nevertheless, I offer up the six figures that will carry a show that was once television’s best comedy to its eternal resting place.
6. Regional Manager Andy Bernard
Andy is an obvious pick, but this executive decision can’t be ignored. The Nard Dog shot life into the arm of The Office in season three. He was hilarious in season four as well. This is when The Office functioned like the Moneyball-minded A’s of the early 2000s. They had won a lot of games with home grown talent, and then they started going out and picking up free agents that fit their system. The Office is now functioning like the deep pocketed Yankees teams those A’s teams went up against. They are a poorly run team that overpays free agents that really don’t meet the team’s needs; Kathy Bates, Will Ferrell, James Spader, etc. I can’t expound much on Andy as regional manager, because I can’t stomach the episodes anymore. I gutted out all of season seven, and my efforts went entirely unrewarded. After a great Parks and Rec season premiere in 2011, I stuck around for The Office’s season eight opener. I never quite made it through. Andy was supposed to get something tattooed on his ass. I can’t remember what it was, and I’m thankful for that. The Office jumped the shark in season five. Now it’s coughing up water on the shore. Let’s hope the lifeguard doesn’t make it in time to revive it, so we’ll still be able to recognize the body at the funeral.
5. Scott’s Tots
Yes, all 20 of them will help carry the casket. This was undoubtedly the low point of the series for Michael. In case you missed it, here’s the premise: A decade ago, Michael promised a group of elementary school kids he would pay their college tuition if they graduated from high school. Well guess what? Those youngsters are seniors now, and Mike can’t foot the bill. In the glory days of the show, Carell could take any awkward situation and turn it into brilliance. Telling your workers you have a huge surprise for them at the end of the day and coming up with nothing but ice cream sandwiches was funny. Telling 20 underprivileged kids you’re going to send them to college and stringing them along for 10 years is devoid of much comedic promise. But it could have been done. Seinfeld made a death - albeit a ridiculous one - pretty funny. But what Michael did came across as inconsiderate at best. It came across as mean spirited. But worst of all, it was completely unfunny. It was fairly apparent at this point that after having Michael screw over Prince Family Paper and Dunder-Mifflin in season five, the writers were really out of ideas for his character. The guy that had carried the show for over four seasons became unlikeable. This is usually not comedically abundant territory. The U.S. version should have followed the model set up by its British predecessor and canned him while he was still funny.
4. Gabe
I’m going to spend about as much time analyzing this guy’s presence on the show as the writing staff apparently spent concocting him as a character. He brings literally nothing to the table. It would be easy to toss Erin into the discussion here too, but she’s just so darn cute. That is her purpose, right? Back to Gabe. He serves no purpose and has never, not once, ever, even come close to making audience members consider possibly even smirking at anything he has ever said or done. We’ll put him on the same side of the casket as the 20 high school kids, because this guy definitely can’t hold his own weight, let alone that of a dead carcass.
3. Creed Bratton
This one hurts. You could always count on Creed for one big laugh every week. Even during the average episodes, Creed was always the saving grace. It was often no more than one sentence, but it was always fantastic. He introduced us to “Andrea, the office bitch.” He gave us the single greatest internet domain name of all time: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. His insight on the visually impaired was a stroke of pure genius. “A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.” Creed’s contributions to The Office often go overlooked but cannot be overstated. I recently did 22 minutes in the laughless prison that was “Pool Party” from the current season. As I stated, the episode took place after season six, so it was completely free of humor. Usually Creed saves these episodes with a memorable comment. Here I winced through the entire episode. The sole enjoyable moment came from a shot of Creed wearing a Speedo, a crown and playing guitar while on his back. It was a quick cut. He was probably on screen for less than a second. So there is still reason to believe Creed can bring the goods week in and week out. The blame here should really be assigned to the editors for squandering Creed’s brilliance and trimming his screen time. But we can’t have a team of editors carrying the casket in his place. I promised you six pallbearers. By my count, we already have about 23.
2. Michael Schur
If you’re an Office fan, you’ve seen Michael Schur, but you probably don’t know it. He has played Mose in nine episodes starting in season three. But most of his contrubions to the show came from behind the scenes. He penned classic episodes like season one’s “The Alliance,” season two’s “Christmas Party,” and season three’s “Branch Closing.” He also produced 23 episodes up through season five. The show had already started its decline with the ridiculous Michael Scott Paper Company arc by that point, but it was still one of the better comedies on TV. It wasn't "must see," but it was definitely worth watching. But in 2009 Schur moved on to co-create Parks and Recreation, and the quality of The Office tanked quickly. You can’t blame the guy for jumping off Scranton’s sinking ship. With Jim and Pam together at the end of season four, The Office had basically run it’s course. How much of The Office’s decline can we attribute to Schur? There’s no real way of knowing. We don’t have the technology. But Schur’s influence is becoming more evident each week as Parks and Rec continues to get better, and The Office has completely imploded.
1. Pam Halpert
Jim’s charm began to wane the day he started caring about his job. At the beginning of season four’s “Job Fair,” Jim’s tells us in a talking head that “it is not a good time for me to lose my job, since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold at this job that I’ve never done before: try.” These words marked the end of Jim Halpert as we knew him, and it’s all Pam’s fault. The will they/won’t they tension between the two during the show's first three seasons was absolutely riveting. It was simultaneously hilarious and painful. But above all else, it was real. We’ve been there. We either are that guy or we know one just like him. I’ve said for a couple of years that the Halpert wedding should have been the show’s finale. Jim and Pam provided The Office with an...incalculacable amount of unforgettable moments in the early goings. But after they became Mr. and Mrs. Halpert, their appeal faded. Fast. They quickly morphed into smug, unidentifiable characters. Case in point: season five’s “Cafe Disco.” Dwight pays Erin to answer the phone and yell “Oh my God! I can't believe it! I just won an art contest!” It was a fairly harmless prank, and it was pretty funny, especially coming from the mind of Dwight. It definitely wasn’t harsh or overly offensive. But the self-satisfied versions of Jim and Pam found it to be anything but funny. “Not cool, Dwight,” Pam responds. Jim scoffs along with her, “Not cool, man.” Jim has been giving it for four and a half years, and now that Dwight pulls a halfway clever prank, Jim can’t take the joke. Jim is suddenly relatable again but not in a good way. Every group of friends has a guy that can’t take it, and those are the guys that need ridicule the most. The show has tried desperately for ways to make Jim’s willingness to stay at Dunder-Mifflin seem realistic. He was named second in command after coming back from Stamford and named co-manager in season six. The Jim we knew in season one would have “thrown himself in front of a train” if being a paper salesman became his career. After watching a few seasons of Jim with his love life in order...I wish he had.
6. Regional Manager Andy Bernard
Andy is an obvious pick, but this executive decision can’t be ignored. The Nard Dog shot life into the arm of The Office in season three. He was hilarious in season four as well. This is when The Office functioned like the Moneyball-minded A’s of the early 2000s. They had won a lot of games with home grown talent, and then they started going out and picking up free agents that fit their system. The Office is now functioning like the deep pocketed Yankees teams those A’s teams went up against. They are a poorly run team that overpays free agents that really don’t meet the team’s needs; Kathy Bates, Will Ferrell, James Spader, etc. I can’t expound much on Andy as regional manager, because I can’t stomach the episodes anymore. I gutted out all of season seven, and my efforts went entirely unrewarded. After a great Parks and Rec season premiere in 2011, I stuck around for The Office’s season eight opener. I never quite made it through. Andy was supposed to get something tattooed on his ass. I can’t remember what it was, and I’m thankful for that. The Office jumped the shark in season five. Now it’s coughing up water on the shore. Let’s hope the lifeguard doesn’t make it in time to revive it, so we’ll still be able to recognize the body at the funeral.
5. Scott’s Tots
Yes, all 20 of them will help carry the casket. This was undoubtedly the low point of the series for Michael. In case you missed it, here’s the premise: A decade ago, Michael promised a group of elementary school kids he would pay their college tuition if they graduated from high school. Well guess what? Those youngsters are seniors now, and Mike can’t foot the bill. In the glory days of the show, Carell could take any awkward situation and turn it into brilliance. Telling your workers you have a huge surprise for them at the end of the day and coming up with nothing but ice cream sandwiches was funny. Telling 20 underprivileged kids you’re going to send them to college and stringing them along for 10 years is devoid of much comedic promise. But it could have been done. Seinfeld made a death - albeit a ridiculous one - pretty funny. But what Michael did came across as inconsiderate at best. It came across as mean spirited. But worst of all, it was completely unfunny. It was fairly apparent at this point that after having Michael screw over Prince Family Paper and Dunder-Mifflin in season five, the writers were really out of ideas for his character. The guy that had carried the show for over four seasons became unlikeable. This is usually not comedically abundant territory. The U.S. version should have followed the model set up by its British predecessor and canned him while he was still funny.
4. Gabe
I’m going to spend about as much time analyzing this guy’s presence on the show as the writing staff apparently spent concocting him as a character. He brings literally nothing to the table. It would be easy to toss Erin into the discussion here too, but she’s just so darn cute. That is her purpose, right? Back to Gabe. He serves no purpose and has never, not once, ever, even come close to making audience members consider possibly even smirking at anything he has ever said or done. We’ll put him on the same side of the casket as the 20 high school kids, because this guy definitely can’t hold his own weight, let alone that of a dead carcass.
3. Creed Bratton
This one hurts. You could always count on Creed for one big laugh every week. Even during the average episodes, Creed was always the saving grace. It was often no more than one sentence, but it was always fantastic. He introduced us to “Andrea, the office bitch.” He gave us the single greatest internet domain name of all time: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. His insight on the visually impaired was a stroke of pure genius. “A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.” Creed’s contributions to The Office often go overlooked but cannot be overstated. I recently did 22 minutes in the laughless prison that was “Pool Party” from the current season. As I stated, the episode took place after season six, so it was completely free of humor. Usually Creed saves these episodes with a memorable comment. Here I winced through the entire episode. The sole enjoyable moment came from a shot of Creed wearing a Speedo, a crown and playing guitar while on his back. It was a quick cut. He was probably on screen for less than a second. So there is still reason to believe Creed can bring the goods week in and week out. The blame here should really be assigned to the editors for squandering Creed’s brilliance and trimming his screen time. But we can’t have a team of editors carrying the casket in his place. I promised you six pallbearers. By my count, we already have about 23.
2. Michael Schur
If you’re an Office fan, you’ve seen Michael Schur, but you probably don’t know it. He has played Mose in nine episodes starting in season three. But most of his contrubions to the show came from behind the scenes. He penned classic episodes like season one’s “The Alliance,” season two’s “Christmas Party,” and season three’s “Branch Closing.” He also produced 23 episodes up through season five. The show had already started its decline with the ridiculous Michael Scott Paper Company arc by that point, but it was still one of the better comedies on TV. It wasn't "must see," but it was definitely worth watching. But in 2009 Schur moved on to co-create Parks and Recreation, and the quality of The Office tanked quickly. You can’t blame the guy for jumping off Scranton’s sinking ship. With Jim and Pam together at the end of season four, The Office had basically run it’s course. How much of The Office’s decline can we attribute to Schur? There’s no real way of knowing. We don’t have the technology. But Schur’s influence is becoming more evident each week as Parks and Rec continues to get better, and The Office has completely imploded.
1. Pam Halpert
Jim’s charm began to wane the day he started caring about his job. At the beginning of season four’s “Job Fair,” Jim’s tells us in a talking head that “it is not a good time for me to lose my job, since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold at this job that I’ve never done before: try.” These words marked the end of Jim Halpert as we knew him, and it’s all Pam’s fault. The will they/won’t they tension between the two during the show's first three seasons was absolutely riveting. It was simultaneously hilarious and painful. But above all else, it was real. We’ve been there. We either are that guy or we know one just like him. I’ve said for a couple of years that the Halpert wedding should have been the show’s finale. Jim and Pam provided The Office with an...incalculacable amount of unforgettable moments in the early goings. But after they became Mr. and Mrs. Halpert, their appeal faded. Fast. They quickly morphed into smug, unidentifiable characters. Case in point: season five’s “Cafe Disco.” Dwight pays Erin to answer the phone and yell “Oh my God! I can't believe it! I just won an art contest!” It was a fairly harmless prank, and it was pretty funny, especially coming from the mind of Dwight. It definitely wasn’t harsh or overly offensive. But the self-satisfied versions of Jim and Pam found it to be anything but funny. “Not cool, Dwight,” Pam responds. Jim scoffs along with her, “Not cool, man.” Jim has been giving it for four and a half years, and now that Dwight pulls a halfway clever prank, Jim can’t take the joke. Jim is suddenly relatable again but not in a good way. Every group of friends has a guy that can’t take it, and those are the guys that need ridicule the most. The show has tried desperately for ways to make Jim’s willingness to stay at Dunder-Mifflin seem realistic. He was named second in command after coming back from Stamford and named co-manager in season six. The Jim we knew in season one would have “thrown himself in front of a train” if being a paper salesman became his career. After watching a few seasons of Jim with his love life in order...I wish he had.
